Ways To Overcome Jealousy
When I was studying at university, I had bouts of jealousy. I saw other people living out something I always wanted to do. To travel and live in a different culture and experience the world. I had dreamt of going to Asia for some years, so I wanted to go on exchange for a semester through my university's partner programs with other universities and colleges across the globe.
However, to my demise, I discovered I needed better grades than I had to go to my desired destinations, and it was too late to salvage it. It was only possible to go in exchange in the third year of my bachelor's program and to apply, you needed to have good grades in the first year of study. And mine could have been better.
In the following period, seeing other people living my dream of traveling and exploring the world was challenging. Posts on Facebook and other social media of people traveling triggered my sadness and jealousy. I wanted to go as well. The Facebook and Google algorithms also kept giving me more content like this, strengthening the seed of jealousy.
Luckily, I miraculously got out of this funk. One day while contemplating my emotions, a thought came to me. "Well, if I cannot take the easy way and go on exchange for a semester like everyone else, then I just have to do it the hard way and find a different path." So that is what I did. I started to research my options. I concluded that I wanted to study abroad for a master's program after my bachelor's degree.
From that day on, my feelings of jealousy were gone. The focus had shifted from other people to me. What can I do to change my situation? How can I also experience this? What actions do I need to take from now on to make it happen? I was no longer worried about what I didn't have and what other people had. Ultimately, I did go to Asia; more precisely, I enrolled in a master's program in South Korea, where I would live for two years. Looking back, my inability to go on exchange led me on a path that allowed me to live in a different country with a completely different culture for two years, not just four months. Ironically, many exchange students I made friends with in South Korea were now jealous of my situation of being able to stay for two years. They felt their 4-5 months of exchange needed longer. They felt like they still had so much to experience.
Jealousy is kind of absurd
Jealousy is a strange emotion. When jealousy hits, we can feel anger, sadness, and a sense of injustice. If we think about it logically, jealousy can only arise when there is someone or something else to be jealous of. But these people have rarely done us any wrong. So why do we become jealous instead of being happy for their success?
Jealousy arises from our feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and low self-esteem. It is a counterproductive emotion that damages our inner peace and hinders our ability to have compassion and empathy. There is absolutely no need to feel inferior to others or hopeless.
Jealousy is the opposite of gratitude, where you contemplate and appreciate all the good things that have come into your life. Jealousy can only arise when our focus goes outward on others. But rarely do we contemplate that the people we become jealous of live vastly different lives that have led them there.
A toolbox to overcome jealousy
Even though we intellectually understand and reflect on jealousy and realize its absurdity and downsides, it is often not enough to combat the emotion if the seed is too strong. In this case, we need better, more powerful tools to overcome our jealousy. Here is a list of practices you can do that I learned from reading Thich Nhat Hanh's books.
Mindfulness:Â Practicing mindfulness can help overcome jealousy. By being fully present in the moment and observing our emotions without judgment, we can develop a deeper awareness of the root causes of jealousy and its impact on our well-being.
Inner Awareness:Â Jealousy often stems from a lack of self-awareness and self-acceptance. We can explore our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity and understand that these emotions are natural but can be transformed through mindfulness and self-compassion.
Comparison and Gratitude:Â Jealousy often arises when we compare ourselves to others and perceive them as having more or being more fortunate. Shift your focus from comparison to gratitude. By appreciating the positive aspects of our lives and acknowledging our blessings, we can reduce jealousy and cultivate contentment.
Interconnectedness:Â We are all interconnected, and the success or happiness of others does not diminish our potential for joy. Recognizing our shared humanity and celebrating others' achievements can help dissolve the barriers that jealousy creates.
Compassion:Â Developing compassion for oneself and others is crucial in overcoming jealousy. We can practice loving-kindness meditation to cultivate a sense of empathy and goodwill towards ourselves and those we envy.
Transformative Dialogue:Â Communicating openly and honestly with others about our feelings of jealousy can lead to understanding and resolution. Approach these conversations with a compassionate and non-judgmental attitude, fostering mutual support and growth.
Letting Go:Â Ultimately, we should let go of our attachments and desires contributing to jealousy. By embracing impermanence and detaching from rigid expectations, we can find greater peace and contentment.